Every day that I wake up, I move forward.

I am so utterly terrified.

It's about 4:30 in the morning and I have two loads of laundry going on at the same time. I'm so excited for my future, but that pit in my stomach, that gaping black hole that seems to suck all control from me and replace it with pure and utter fear-- that is really starting to feel more and more real every minute.

I'm so scared. I'm not quite sure how this will go on. Right now, I want to ask for help. I need help. But I don't know how to ask for it. I'm not even sure what kind of help I need. I don't want reassurance. It's like when friends are freaking out before a test. You smile and tell them you're confident in their abilities, but what does that really mean anyway?

But I'm sitting here, and I realize that I know this feeling. I felt it so often in high school. It was the uncertainty and feeling rock bottom, pitted, gutted out. I was just so lost and stuck.

Here I am, thinking I am alone and afraid, but really, I'm just anxiously awaiting TO feel something. I'm anticipating the excitement so much it's consuming me that I'm waiting to FEEL the excitement. I'm so happy that I know, and yet, don't know my future. It's the possibilities. To complete the cliche, I know, they really are so endless. I feel empowered, like I might have some semblance of control over my future happiness.

I am ready. I just haven't figured that out yet. Every day that I wake up, I move forward.

anberlin-impossible

i just started listening to the radio again yesterday. wow, have I missed out on music. man. i miss listening to rock/emo music. haha. i basically stopped (except for one occasional night once every dozen blue moons) during college because i felt it was making me too emo, and that's just not attractive.

but, eh. can't help it. (:

currently loving anberlin-impossible.

The process of trying

Alright. I've come to a decision. It was tough. But it has to be done.

After the MCATs, I am euthanizing my basil plant. Putting down. Bringing to an end. Putting into tomato sauce.

Despite my pride in harboring stationary living creatures, this truly has gone on for too long. I've neglected it. Ignored it. Then come running back, watering it with... well ... water. It's overrun its pot, too freakishly tall because I've managed to forget to trim it every time it branches, which, by the way, has happened more than 37 times. (haha. whoops.)

Now, I'll have to find a bigger pot and new peat and moss for my orchid plant if I don't want it to run away too. It's definitely in the process of trying.

gotta keep moving.

dang.

taking the mcats. in september.

i don't know what i'm doing with myself.

gotta keep moving...

the whole night in 4 in gold heels

wow. this past weekend has been nuts.

first we finished classes. so that was rejuvenating. but now i'm sorta stressed because of final papers and exams. heh.

but john and i made sticky buns and cinnamon buns and a keylime cheesecake AND jenny and john and i made a quick cheesecake brownie for chang's birthday. whew.

and then there was dillo day (saturday). regina spektor and nelly came. so of course i went to those concerts. it was awesome. so awesome. loved dillo day. lots of fun in the sun.

then sunday was asian formal. and that was mad fun. we crazily decided to have a potluck dinner right before the formal because the formal was only going to serve dessert. funnily, none of the girls came. haha. (except vania. who came with john. and got ready here. with john. so she doesn't count) because they were all last minute with getting ready. hilars right?

but we went to hotel 71 which was used for one of the scenes of bruce wayne's penthouse. so that was pretty cool and awesome. :D i have a lot of pictures of that up on facebook. it was lots of fun. i got to wear a new dress and i thought it was overall an awesome night with good friends and greg. (:

hopefully will get pictures up and talk about everything more in depth. after finals. though.

i actually don't believe that i got through the whole night in my 4 in gold heels. and i only took them off for like ten minutes... dang.

mini crepe cake share

i tried to make pastry creme this morning. it didn't turn out too wonderfully.

well. let's rewind. two days ago, i made crepe batter and made a few crepes for breakfast with two girls, but well. still ended up with a lot of batter. at first i wasn't too concerned because i was having friends over for dinner too and thought i'd make crepes for them. but two of the three girls who came over brought cookies, so we had cookies for dessert instead.

so yesterday, i was worried about the crepe batter going bad so i made the rest of the batter into mini crepes. (used a 6" instead of my 9") I have about nine mini crepes (would have had 12 but i ate three :P) and thought i'd make a crepe cake. so after looking up some recipes, i decided to try making the filling this morning.

man. it was kinda hard. i think i didn't add enough milk the first time around (i hate washing measuring instruments so i just pretend to eye it... heh) and so it sorta seized up really quickly while it was supposed to "boil" and it was hecka lumpy. super lumpy. sigh. i was going to leave it as it was, but decided to look up some more specific "how to"s instead of just relying on the recipe directions. dude. there is a youtube video of a pastry chef teacher doing everything that took me an hour to do in just 8 minutes. sigh.

then i tasted it, and phew. it was disgusting. it tasted like raw flour with milk. so i figured i had to cook it some more. i added more milk and took out my whisk and beat the crap out of it while heating it. i furiously stirred it for seriously 20 minutes straight. so this time, it wasn't lumpy. but seriously. still tastes funny. although there is less of the raw flour-ness. it's sitting in my fridge now waiting to cool. i think i'll slice up some bananas and incorporate it into the crepe cake when i assemble it.

anyway. the bright moment of the morning was that I didn't want to make the whole batch of pastry creme because well.. i only have 9 mini crepes to coat, so i made just half the batter. and so i was left with half an egg. heh. so i made french toast sticks with it! woot! just added some milk and cinnamon and sugar.

t'was yummy!



i'm going to spend the weekend at greg's place so i can play with their new dog. i think i'll bring the mini crepe cake to share with them since i can't eat it all.

delicious giant golden mushrooms

made oatmeal pancakes with chocolate chips for brunch today with chang and jenny. too bad they weren't in the picture with me. the oatmeal pancakes were pretty tasty though. used smitten kitchen's recipe.

(please note the overripe banana begging to be used in something...)

Visited the lakeside with Greg this last weekend. We look pretty happy, too bad I'm sporting a double chin. eh. oh well. we had fun playing the ukulele there. OH! Greg bought me a ukulele, it's pretty cute and petite and really easy to play (lots easier than guitar because the strings are easier on your fingers than the guitar metal strings). i can play all the four chord songs. :P and i know the first three chords to "a whole new world" too bad you need like... at least six more chords to play the whole song right... my repertoire of songs is pretty limited, just "i'm yours", the song from music and lyrics and i'm trying to perfect the four chords for "hey soul sister" which actually are the same chords as the ones for "don't stop believing". ukulele + greg + lake side + camera = fun + tired fingers + too many pictures...




Also made some rum cake with Jenny. They tasted so much like alcohol though! lots more than I had expected, and I definitely let the rum boil for a long time to try to take away the alcoholic-ness of the syrup. Anyway, ended up not using all the syrup and just eating the cake as it was. It was pretty tasty. Used the mini bundt pans that Greg got me a long time ago. I didn't expect the cake to rise this much (for some strange reason) and well they look like giant mushrooms. Delicious giant golden mushrooms.